Regular

Idk if this is the right platform to talk about this. Things tend to become extreme on tumblr rather quickly and even if i do get some kind of confirmation who even knows if i’ll choose to make meaning out of it? But… i saw a lot posts on tumblr lately and I can’t stop thinking about it. What do I have to lose? 

I might not be asexual. I’m probably not asexual. I want to love people. It makes me happy to think about loving someone and them loving me back. Maybe I’m only thinking like this because I lack enough romantic experience to definitively know what I want and don’t want yet. But ever since i learnt the term it resonated in me? For some reason? The more I consider it the more I question why I keep going back to it. 

I am straight. Not because I have something against homosexuality, I just simply acknowledge that in my experience I develop strong irrational feelings of affection for people of the opposite sex and not for my common one. 

I have had “crushes” before. Really my definition of a ‘crush’ has always been a little… irregular though. Through primary and early high school I had this twisted idea in my head that competitiveness, the drive and passion to out-do some kid in my class while simultaneously respecting their ability, was a ‘crush’. The symptoms were normally that I would fantasise situations where I could get to know them better and then I would get quenched with an insecurity that trying to know them better could push them away so I became nervous and quieter around them. I cared what they thought about me so surely that meant I had stronger than normal feelings for them. I found that if I waited it out for a few weeks the feeling would just go away and I could act like it never happened. We’d stay being friends and I’d continue like I never felt anything. It always confused me when people would get upset over the people they liked and why they couldn’t just get over them like I did and wait the feeling out. 

My last year of highschool I had one good friend who became interested in me. I was flattered that I was worth their feelings and it made me feel happy and important. I don’t think i knew what i was doing exactly. I was taken up with the concept of actually having a s/o like in all those tv shows and movies. Having someone who made me feel special because of the way they cared about me. We went on a date and I was having a blast, we always could talk well between eachother so I had fun doing an activity with them. And then slowly they reached out for my hand and held it. I waited for that moment to kick in. The one where I felt happy that they were touching me. But it just felt like what it literally was. A sweaty palm with thin fingers mushed up against my hand. Gross. I felt uncomfortable every time it shifted like it was waiting for me to hold it back. I didn’t say anything. Sure, handholding wasn’t my cup of tea. That didn’t mean anything. I was always happy for an excuse to get out of it though. 

After about the 4th time they did it I’d decided that I didn’t want to touch them anymore. I tried to find excuses to get out of it when they moved in to try. We were still having fun, this didn’t change my opinion of them, but I just didn’t want to have their hand in mine. That’s when I remembered something they’d asked me a week or so before. I won’t go into details but my family basically has these particular standards about how far we can go while dating before we’re 18. Anyway, they’d asked me if technically it was ok for me to kiss people. Under those rules, technically I was so that was the reply I’d told them. But gosh…. did they… did they actually want to kiss me? I became panicked. I realised that I didn’t want that. That I absolutely, one hundred percent, felt no desire for them to put their face against mine or exchange any saliva or touch me that way. I didn’t like them that way. At the time I thought I’d simply realised that I didn’t have feelings for this particular person. That I’d fooled myself when really they were never more than a friend in my eyes. 

After that point I knew I needed to stop this properly. When they stepped in to try and hug me I literally side stepped out of it and told them I wasn’t comfortable with this anymore and asked them to stop. They were… hurt. But they respected the request. It put me in an awkward position and ruined the rest of the date but I was glad I did it. We met again at school after the weekend was over and both of us happily agreed to never do that again. I gave them a little more space because I knew them and I knew they needed it. They had taken my response as a fault on their part. They’d had bad break-ups before that had messed them up and left them insecure when it came to relationships. Other than moving seats in one or two of my classes though, I was happy to keep up the friendship. After a month, we were basically back to normal (though I noticed once or twice they still harboured a few feelings of regret that we weren’t together. I think they actually sincerely liked me which made the whole thing a little awkward once or twice). It got the point where they would go to me about other relationships because they knew I would always be there for them with emotional support. I was happy to be their best friend. Just not their girlfriend.

That has been my only experience with dating. In my entire life. Seriously, no one’s ever asked me and I’ve never felt strongly enough about someone to ever ask them. The thing is I find myself quite happy with that, the not being in a relationship, but also unhappy about that because why don’t people want to like me enough to try?

With so little experience with it maybe that whole bit is just a hiccup or I honestly just didn’t like that one person. Or maybe it’s more. I don’t know. I just don’t know.

Don’t get me wrong, I adore romance. I love the concept of having a partner that I can confide anything with. Someone who cares about me and I can trust completely. Someone who I can just talk endlessly to when I’m too shy or socially exhausted to talk to anyone else. Someone who knows me better than I know myself and who looks after me and I care about them so I look after them too. Someone who compliments me and makes me just feel complete. Someone who, I’m ashamed to say, thinks I look beautiful and tells me I’m amazing because they think it’s true not just because I want them to. Someone who if asked to name some of my good qualities would be able to go on and on, smiling and thinking endearingly about me. But someone who doesn’t place me as some perfect person. Who realises I’m human and I have problems and loves me despite them and wants to help me through them or bear them with me because they care. Then I’d want to feel that exact same way about them not out of obligation but because I care about them and doing those things felt right and good and made me happy. I wish i had that sometimes. I’d love a family where I love my partner with the same amount of intensity as I love my kids. Not passion but with familial love, they way I love my mother except they’re also my best friend and sees me as their equal.

I love it in fiction. I don’t go out of my way to read romance novels but I’m chill with it turning up in my stories when there’s a purpose and actual set up to it. I love shipping when there is an actual connection between the characters and a relationship establishes development for both of them as people and creates a system of support or when their dynamic is simply adorable. I love other real life couples. It makes me happy and I feel that surrogate emotion when two people care about eachother and fall in love. It’s sweet. I get feels. I sometimes picture that ‘someone’ i mentioned in that last paragraph and it makes me happy because it makes me feel loved and special. 

When I consider sex to be an act between two people who care about eachother and trust eachother and their bond so much that they’re prepared to raise children together because of that commitment, I can see it as a good desirable thing for a couple to aim for. I understand it’s supposed to be a pleasurable thing but I only see that as a meaningful justification if it’s used as a means of bringing the two closer together than they already are. Doing it for recreation and simply as a way for two people to get a kick from eachother feels demeaning and objectifying to something I see as important because of that other context.

I guess I’m just more of a romantic who got uncomfortable taking a step towards physical romance once than an asexual really? I don’t know. I tell myself I don’t (or at least shouldn’t) care either. If i find someone some day that makes me feel what i think love is that’s great. If i don’t, I don’t think I’ll be too dissatisfied about that. But I see it a lot and the definitions are always just vague enough that I’m not sure if i apply and i was curious. So yeah…