Hi, sorry to bother you: im a writer (and ace, for that matter) and obviously i sometimes have ace characters in my books. Usually, these characters dont have sex, but (unless theyre aro) have romantic relationships. However, for one of my characters, i am planning to have her sleep with her boyfriend (in an entirely consensual way) but still be ace. Obviously, ace people can still have sex, but i was wondering how to write this, since i personally dont fully understand (part one]
[continued] dont understand how that works, because i have literally no desire to ever have sex. I mean, i get that some people can enjoy it while still being ace, but from a feelings point of view im not sure how to explain it, and i dont want to mess it up. I was wondering if you had any advice on how that kind of thing feels – and how people figure out that they want to/are willing to have sex despite being ace? Again, sorry to bother you.
Hey! We’re not really a writing advice blog. I mean, I write, but I’m not sure how good my advice would be. I suggest asking a writing blog like @scriptlgbt , maybe go to a writing forum, or look through @anagnori ‘s masterlist on writing ace characters. Their post ‘Sex scenes with asexual characters’ might be a big help here.
My personal advice: I assume that you’re not writing erotica, so you don’t have to give a play by play of your characters having sex. Many novels I read (especially YA) don’t. They usually start with the characters being romantic toward each other, usually some kissing, sometimes discussion, then cut to afterwards or maybe the next day or whatever. They might make reference to it or they might not. It depends on how major it is in context to the story.
Maybe you could have your characters being romantic or something, then the girl says she’d like to go further. This would be a good time to talk about she asexuality and how aces can have sex. And talk about Whether this is because she wants to have sex or she wanted to do this for her boyfriend.
The boyfriend could show some shock or confusion and he can ask her “Aren’t you ace?” And the two can have a little discussion about how you don’t have to be attracted to someone to have sex and that libido is still a thing or something. Maybe she admits that she does masturbate sometimes to ‘scratch the itch’ but doesn’t think about anyone while doing so. Maybe the bf can reassure her that he’s fine if they don’t ever have sex. Just make sure it’s clear that they’re both into doing this and no one feels like they have to have sex in order to be together.
Then you can cut to them in bed (or wherever), the bf asking how it was or her just thinking about how she felt about it. You don’t need to tell us what they did. Just tell us how your character felt about it. Was it fun? Awkward? Disappointing? Did she have an idea from porn or pop culture and found out that it wasn’t really like that? Did she not feel much of anything? Maybe she wants to do it again? That’s all up to you.
Hope this helps. If anyone else has some advice, feel free to chime in.
– mod Britt