Sapphic Mother’s Day
“It’s never been easy raising three children, even when they had a mom and a dad. For one parent—a widow? How about a mom whose kids call her ‘Dad’?
“… This bright boy of mine turned to me, clasped my hand, and whispered: ‘I know Mom would love this. She was the best mom ever. But I want you to know, you’re doing a really good job as a mom, Dad.’
“It’s from that, more than anything, that I draw the distinction of mom being my job and it being my name. And it is from my children that I draw my strength on this Mother’s Day. And everyday.”
Happy Mother’s Day to everyone.
Yes, we are still alive!!
Sarah and Kayla talk about why the podcast is so late this week – because we’ve been working on our musical Bloom – a musical about asexuality!!!
If you’d like to catch the live stream of our musical or watch it afterward, check out our theatre group’s Facebook! facebook.com/nerdsdotheatre
A stands for Ally because it's there for closeted LGBT people to go to events safely. It's not about cishet allies it's for closeted LGBT people.
I disagree, and here’s why.
The definition of an Ally is someone who is supportive of LGBT people. This encompasses non LGBT people (hetero, cis) and LGBT people (ex: a Lesbian who’s supportive of the Bisexual community)
Asexuals, Aromantics, Agendered people already feel erased (oh and btw while I was doing some research last night not one did anyone say A stood for Aros or Agender. Like wtf). Not only do fellow members of the LGBT not acknowledge our identities, but most people outside our community think we’re a myth.
Pushing the term Ally to fit into the A just further pushes the rest of us out. (Btw I’m all for gay-straight alliance groups, but that’s an environment designed for both LGBT and non, and is a safe (typically) way for closeted people to enact with their community.)
Closeted people usually (forgive need if Im assuming. I had a different experience) know what they’re in the closet for. So a closeted gay man still identifies with the letter G, even if no one knows that. He doesn’t necessarily identify with the letter A.
Now if that closeted gay man does want to be an Ally and does want to help his fellow LGBT members by advocating for them? Well, he’s not going to do that by claiming the A for himself. If he really wants to be an Ally, he’ll understand who the A belongs to and not try to take that away.
(And if he is indeed closeted, then to the world it just looks like another straight person trying to shove into an LGBT safe space, and that’s not helping anyone. Especially not the As)
- Ace/aro nonhuman – robots, aliens, undead, etc. Can lead to the conclusion that ace/aro people are less than a whole person, or lacking emotion, which is a harmful stereotype that many ace/aro people deal with in their daily lives. This can be combated by showing the ace/aro character before they become undead, or by including a human ace/aro character in your story. Ideally, write the character as being likeable and sympathetic. Several things can be done to make them feel more nuanced and whole, in a way that diverts the stereotype regardless of the traits people often equate to non-human-ness.
- Asexual/Aromantic villain – using a character’s lack of interest in sex/romantic relationship to make them seem uncaring or emotionless, and thus, cruel and villainous. If you are going to include an asexual or aromantic villain, do not make them seem emotionless, or have their evil motives be linked to their asexuality or aromanticism. I’d also include some other single allo people, so you don’t fall into the common trend of having everyone but the villain in a romantic/sexual relationship. Including non-villain asexual/aromantic characters always helps with this, as well!
- Traumatized Asexual – having a character come to identify as asexual after surviving sexual assault. Although this is something that does happen for many people, it can lead to some bad takeaway messages without clarity and care given to the subject (such as the idea that asexuality is something to be “cured” and that it is an inherently unhealthy, bad thing). If done, it needs to be written with plenty of attention and discussion around it, and portrayal of asexuality cannot be painted as being an unhealthy coping mechanism for an actually allosexual character.
- Cold, distant ace/aro – often when ace/aro character is included in a story, they are portrayed as unfeeling or emotionless. This is an issue because this is a stereotype many ace/aro people battle in real life, and it is not a universal experience. If your ace/aro character seems relatively unfeeling to you, add a scene or two that shows their emotional range! If you feel it’s important to keep the character as is, consider discussing this stereotype in your story, and having it be something your character takes note of. Many people of any orientation can be cold and distant, and feeling a lot in very visible (or even concealed) ways is not necessary to be a compassionate and good person. Be ready to write these traits in ways that are sympathetic and likeable. Come to the end message that your character is not unfeeling or emotionless because they are asexual/aromantic.
- Fix-it asexual – someone who calls themselves asexual because they’re “too shy” or “too awkward” to get a partner, treating asexuality as a temporary condition that can be fixed with the right relationship, or a choice someone makes because they’re tired with the dating world or were spurned by someone. There’s no appropriate way to include a character like this. They aren’t ace, they’re a repressed allosexual.
- Ambiguously Asexual – when a character could easily be accepted as canonically asexual, but it is never confirmed. This is upsetting because it tempts ace people with representation they rarely get, and oftentimes the unconfirmed asexual characters end up in sexual relationships, to try to make the story seem palatable to a society that isn’t used to storylines with asexual characters. To combat this, confirm your character’s asexuality! If your allosexual character goes through struggles with wanting a relationship, their sexual desires, etc, make a distinction between this struggle, and the struggle between accepting one’s asexuality.
- Autistic = Asexual – This isn’t something to avoid, so much as be educated about doing properly. There are lots of autistic people who are also asexual, and lots of people whose neurodivergence and asexuality are hard to parse out separately for those people. There are even specific terms coined for folks whose identities stem from their neurodivergence. However, when writing these characters, and characters not like them but who share one identity, it’s usually the case that people will try and say something oppressive like, “don’t worry, I’m not like those autistic/asexual people,” which throws the other group under the bus. It’s not okay to use traits and identities of a marginalized group to try and hold yourself (or your characters) above them. It is okay to include them in your story, but they deserve to be represented in a way that is accurate and does right by people with this experience.
- Asexual = Desexualization – This isn’t true, and is a very harmful idea to promote. Asexuality is an identity, an orientation, a sense of self, and does not have to do with sex itself. It’s about attraction, specifically the lack of it. Someone being asexual does not remove who they are as a whole person, or disqualify them from talking about sex or participating in it if they want to. Desexualization and oversexualization stem from the idea of projecting ideas onto someone in a way which limits them, rather than allowing people to have autonomy and their own voice. There are asexual people in every other demographic and it’s worth it to not erase (erACE haha) that experience.
If you want to include any of these in your story, please send in an ask so we can assist you in doing it properly, or research on the stereotype! Whether or not a portrayal is harmful is up to authors, and we are happy to to help you create unique, accurate asexual/aromantic representation in fiction!
Here is a post specific to writing ace POC. We recommend doing more research with material and narratives created and lead by ace POC on these topics. This post does not include enough information on that, as we are still learning ourselves. (And we welcome any info from racialized ace folks who want to add/recommend anything on this subject!)
It looked really pretty! *u*
A little bit of history 😀
I just loved this
This is in México by the way, the exhibition ends in June!
Have a lovely day, lovely people! \(^◡^ )/
Buddy, you wanna talk to me about ace inclusion, bear in mind that I’m old enough to remember when there were Very Serious Discussions being had about whether lesbians truly belong in the “gay community”. That’s my point of reference with respect to anti-inclusion rhetoric. So I know for a goddamn fact that your whole “the LGBT community is and always has been defined by the shared experience of homophobia” spiel is a lie, and I’m betting you do, too.
Sexual attraction: Sexual attraction is the desire to partake in sexual activities with a person. Basically, sexual attraction is when you want to develop a sexual relationship.
Romantic attraction: Romantic attraction is the desire to partake in romantical activities with a person. What those romantical activities entail depends on the person. Whatever activities, thoughts, and feelings you think of when you consider what is “romantic,” those are what you’d think about, feel toward, and want to do with someone you are romantically attracted to. Basically, romantic attraction is when you want to develop a romantic relationship.
Sensual attraction: Having a desire to engage in sensual acts with a certain individual (kissing, cuddling, hugging, hand holding, etc).
Aesthetic attraction: An appreciation of the appearance or beauty of another person(s), disconnected from sexual or romantic attraction.
Platonic: A strong desire to get to know and spend time with someone in a non-romantic and non-sexual way.
Alterous attraction: An attraction best described as wanting emotional closeness without necessarily being (at all or entirely) platonic and/or romantic. An attraction that is neither (entirely/completely) platonic or romantic.